A South African, married to an American, finally adapting to my adopted country. I love life, laughter, good friends and the warmth that my two kids have filled me with. I glory in the colors of my life and am grateful for the gray days as they allow me to appreciate the rainbows.

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Location: New York, United States

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Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Poetry in motion

Whistle because it feels good,
Sing because you dare.
Live every moment,
witout a single care.
Don't look at your friends for approval,
Parents don't dictate
Set up an appointment
Off to meet your fate.
Find your hidden treasure,
Seek until you find.
The unadulterated pleasure
of the free mind.

Monday, May 30, 2005

Memorable Memorial Day

This weekend marks Memorial Day Weekend in the States. It is memorable for the veterans who have faught wars, those who made it and the many who lost their lives. For us it marks the begining of my mother-in-laws battle, because a year ago this weekend she had her stroke that started the ball rolling in that they found her lung cancer and her war with cancer began. It has been quite a year and while she has beaten the cancer into retreat she still battles it as she is in the process of undergoing radiation therapy.

This weekend was a great one, time spent with family and friends way too much food and such special moments. Josh and I spent the whole of Saturday together just cruising around in his 1949 landrover, he has take the roof off and the doors off and it is really quite fun. It sounds like a motorized lawn mower and goes only slightly faster but it was fun.

Saturday Night we tried El Salvadorian food which was amazing - we thoroughly enjoyed eating food we really could not recognize but were both feeling a tad adventurous.

Sunday was a real treat, my friend Loren and I sat by the pool at my parents complex while her two girls and mine had the time of our lives. We spent hours there which went past in minutes as we had to hustle off to our respective BBQ's - it is just so wonderful having women in my life who I can relate to and who warm my soul. loren is a creative soul who designs women's sweaters - she runs the design and production for a company in NY and is quite a force to be reckoned with. She has such a strong soul and people who meet her are enveloped in her warmth. She is one of the many woman in my life who I am so blessed to have keep me company in my journey. She is the one who is geographically closest so she has the job of taking the place of so many others who live far away. Some just on the other side of the Route 80 and others on the other side of the world. I feel so lucky to know you all and have you in my life this is part of my memorial on this memorial day.

Monday, May 23, 2005

Apartheid ends....

I often wonder how I will answer the really tough question my kids will one day have in store for me. Not the ones about sex, drugs and rock n’ roll, those are easy. I wonder how I will answer when asked about my childhood, growing up under apartheid and not doing much about it. How do I explain to them that I enjoyed a fantasy life under a brutal regime while so many others suffered greatly? How do I, the person who is supposed to teach them right from wrong, explain the injustices around me that I knew were going on and did not do anything to stop it. How do I explain the power of one voice when I never used mine? I definitely went through what was termed “white guilt”. The first time I was exposed to the horrors of Apartheid was at the Jewish Youth Camp I attended. We were all indoctrinated with the ideals of Zionism and the horrors of Apartheid.

I remember being nominated with my sister to attend a group called the “You and I” Club, She must have been in Standard 8 (equivalent of Tenth Grade in the States) and I was 3 years behind her. This group was held on a weekend over a few days and the object was to get kids from South Africa to integrate with kids of different races and religions. It was a wild experience. Both her and I were in the drama section, it was quite an eye opener as we had NEVER had the opportunity to be with people of colour on a level playing field. One of the modules we had to do was where we spoke about getting our wildest dreams, it was so powerful because I still remember being so shocked, all us sheltered white kids were asking for the latest toys, and the black kids wanted the basics like shoes and school books. I remember feeling like water had been thrown on me it was such a shock that people did not have those basics that I took completely for granted. I would love to say we made friends and crossed the barriers that were set in place but we never did.

A few years later I was nominated for Junior Achievement and was chosen to be the Managing Director of the company we had set up. Once again it was the mixing of people who normally are not mixed but had been selected for whatever reason from their schools. The school had to send 2 nominees but only a limited number of kids from the whole province were accepted. Once again I was in a position to learn about the differences, we had to start by deciding on a product to sell and surprise, surprise the white kids went with esoteric stuff while the black kids felt there was a market to supply basic needs. The white kids being the majority and privy to the most disposable income we won and made screen painted beach towels, we were incredibly successful and we had a great team. It was such a rare glimpse into the other world but we never did invite each other over for a play date or tea, we never did cross the barriers.

There are so many wild stories and so many experiences that all us ex-SA’s have had on either end of Apartheid and one day I will write them out just to see them and remember them so my kids can see the other side of my life, the side outside of the relative safety of Long Island . So they too can capture part of my youth. Yesterday we spent the day with Josh’s dad who wants to take us on a trip down memory lane to the Bronx, to see where he and all the other American kids of Jewish and Italian immigrants grew up. I look forward to his nostalgic trip because it is a trip I can never take with my Grandparents to the shtels they grew up in or the places they learned the hard lessons of life as new immigrants in South Africa. These were questions one never asked and sadness was not discussed, diseases were whispered for fear of if they were spoken aloud they would ravage your body or the ones you love. I have so many questions for those I love and am no longer around. I wonder if they would have stood up to the questioning as I will one day have to do with my kids. I am sure many a German hausfrau was asked by he child why she stood by and let the Holocaust happen, how it was that she did not know of the extermination camps. Like the Hausfrau I know what it is like to live in a world of censorship without freedom of speech.

I too did not know a lot and the truth and reconciliation trials certainly opened many eyes, but my eyes were only half closed. I did not know the extend but I did know there was something wrong. Many gave their lives to free others, that is not someone I would be, I am not a hero, a leader, one to pave the way for humanity. Just a girl in a world that she did not truly understand. I hope that is enough for them, and for me.

Friday, May 20, 2005

Slipped into the past

I had a rather lengthly discussion with a friend the other night that forced me back to another time, another place when I was a very different person. We discussed a mutual person with whom I was involved with at the time and she is related to. It was a very bizzare discussion to have that kind of open discussion with someone who is so close to the other person and someone I would never have that type of discussion with. It left me feeling very unhappy, not because I had been open with her, no that is who I am. But rather after discussing it at length with another friend she made me understand how it just transports one back to that time. Its like when I go to the principals office for Ryan's school. I don't sit there thinking, Listen Lady wake up and do what I want, I pay your salary so G-d dang it shut up and listen. I sit there trying to pay attention so I don't say anything stupid and have them hold my child back 5 years or give her extra homework or put me into detention.

I hated being in the head space that this conversation sent me to and part of it is that this relationship had been so unhealthy, so hurtful, so soul destroying, I hated how it made me feel and worse I hated how I saw myself, that I could even let it happen to me. It would be fine to say that it was all this other persons fault, but I can't do that I was certainly no angel and it ws only once I met Josh that I learned how relationships could be. How it was ok to let the walls down and the person in as they were not going to use that information to hurt you. How it was ok to be anything less then perfect. How I did not have to be wearing make up to be pretty. OK we all know Josh needs serious help in that department he thinks I am gorgeous at 4am after crying all night, now not one to shy away from a compliment, I also stand firmly grounded in reality and know what I am looking like at that time of the day is anything but gorgeous.

I am so grateful to the man in my life and feel that he really is such a gem, how would I ever know that someone could look at me and see me, see deep inside me and just smile in the knowledge that they were happy to own a part of me.

I hated the conversation I had because it did take me back to the time when I was not good enough for this other persons standards, when I was too fat, my hair was not right, my nails to short, I am not sure why he was with me because it always seemed that there were to many things I was doing wrong. I hated who I was in the relationship. I was vindictive and manipulative. We both played a game of trying to have the upper hand, hurt before you are hurt.

It was only later that I found out a lot of it was all about him. It was only later when I met people who had wanted to ask me out, who thought I was wonderful who he would say to them but you can't her and I are together. I guess it felt like he did not want me but did not want anyone else to have me. The funniest part was how many of his friends, my friends and both our families told me on many occassions that they did not understand what I saw in him and could not understand why I was with him.

You see everyone else saw the pretty, bright girl with the big future, he was the only one who got that I never believed I was any of those things. Thank G-d I am not her anymore. Thank G-d I can look at myself and be ok with what I see, I always say just for one day, I would like to see myself through Josh's eyes. He really sees someone I do not know and I am so grateful that he does. But I am pretty ok with the me I found. It was hard won and took so much work but its all ok. Who knew I could go full circle and be ok with who I was destined to be. Not perfect. Just me.

Thursday, May 19, 2005

Mah Jong

Last night I attended my first Mah Jong class. I have to say for the first half hour I felt unbelievably stupid and thought there was no way on earth that I would ever get the concept of cracks, bams, dots, dragons and flowers. Once I got over that they were just different suits like hearts, clubs, etc. it all came together. Now while I am not ready to take on the Mah Jong circuit and shake old ladies for money I am feeling more confident.

It was really funny when my friend Lisa set up the group to learn the responses she received went from yes that sounds great to "I am not Jewish" and "Speak to me in 30 years". I have to say for me I am so into using the otherside of my brain and I just love the mental workout. It feels so good to grab a new concept, swirl it around in my head until it falls into place.

I used to be addicted to many things from Flings chips to Bar One chocolates, among my addiction was a game called Klaverjas (which I still play online at ). It is such a great game and part of the appeal was the bonding with people, I have to say there was something so intimate about sitting around a table playing cards and laughing. Talking about stuff that was not of world importance but focussed on beating the pants off of your opponents. In the States they have a similar game called Pinnochle, unfortunately I cannot find anyone under the age of 75 who has evenheard of it, let alone who remembers how to play and if they do remember they certainly would not play with a woman, well not cards in any event.

So now I am joining the legions of blue haired woman who play Mah Jong. Lisa and I joke that we are going to become Mah Jong husslers and take these old ladies for every cent they have - when u consider that you are playing for 25cents a game its gonna take us a long time, but hey we are serious and will show no mercy :) See its good I have found friends who have just as whacky a sense of humour as I do.

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

New Beginings.........

My neighbourhood has been a tough one for me to make inroads in to and meet people. When I first arrived here I became friendly with a neighbour who was the best thing for me, we hung out together, she got me into a million playdates and I met tons of people through her. Turns out that she makes poison ivy smell like a rose. She is whacked for want of a better word. She lives in some surreal existence that revolves around her and the havoc her mouth causes as she passes on juicy gossip, some real and others real to her. After being the brunt of her particular brand of poison, I cut her out of my life. She is the least liked person I have ever come across and as hard as it is her only redeeming quality is her husband who is a sweetheart.

The rest of the neighbourhood has been an even harder nut to crack. I have many people who like me, we have a great time when we are together but it never goes anywhere unless I initiate it. As luck would have it I have a next door neighbour who has a daughter two weeks older then Nikki, my across the street neighbour has a daughter 6 months older then Nikki. All three girsl will be at school together. I am really excited at the prospect because these women look right through me. Very sweet, very nice, very false and people I just don't get. When we first moved in to the neighbourhood my husband would clean the snow off their driveways and most of the houses on our street. He has a huge snow blower and he feels so manly strutting behind it and is basically a really good guy. No-one ever thanked him or when we were away no-one took the time to clear our walk. After 3 years of heavy snowstorms, and him clearing it every time, he finally said enough is enough and I was behind him 100%.

Ryan is unfortunate enough to be in a year at school that has managed to spawn the most delightful bunch of snot nosed bitches who are only outranked by their snot nosed spoiled mothers. These people are all of one mind, one thought and honestly just plain self involved. I dread birthday parties with her friends and am so happy because this year is the year of drop off parties, I only have to suffer the parents for short periods of time.

Nikki on the other hand is in a pre-school program where each person is nicer then the next. I can't wait for an opportunity to see any of her friends parents or any of the kids who are the sweetest girls I have ever come across. I have the best fun with them. These kids live lives that are not even imaginable to me, they live in mansions, jet set around the world, and they are the nicests people you could ever hope to meet. Their parents have their feet firmly planted in the ground and it shows. This is Nikki's last year at her pre-school, she has a few more weeks and then she is off to join all these people that I don't care much about.

Last night I had a momentary emotional overload, I could notimagine losing my connection with these people and having to deal with all these moms who have no substance. I was so sad. I had experiences at birthday parties where mothers would not speak to me, and these are people who live on my street or nearby. Nikki had her second session of Kindergarden orientation today and I was just dreading it - last time I sat with my across the street neighbour who only talks to me when my next-door-neighbour is not there (shallow to say the least). it was a pleasant enough experience she has a great sense of humour. But this time I was just plain dreading it not knowing who would be there. It so happens that I landed with a group of moms I can relate to, hysterically funny woman who whisked me away to cast our votes and drink coffee. It felt so good to be a part fo a group of strangers who got me, who welcomed me, who included my child in their activities, they invited me to join their pre-camp group and offered to carpool with me - not knowing me. Maybe my kids will know the kindness of strangers maybe I have been here too long and have been jaded. I find the more I think I am being lulled into a false sense of security the more I am affirmed that there are people I can relate to and get and laugh with. For me the pure essense of life is captured in laughter. Not everyone gets my sense of humour and takes me at face value. How I love when I can just get on the wave and ride with people who have a sense of adventure and lust for life.

I am so about living the best possible life I can, experiencing life to the fullest. Knowing that the dark times lead to greater light or enlightenment.I saw this really crappy movie this weekend, there was one line that just got me. GOT me. The mother says after her husband dies, "G-d let me live before I die"

I am so grateful because I do believe I live - every day. I feel like I have lived a million lifetimes in one and know that their is something good, possibly even great in every day and am grateful for the opportunity to live it, and be a part of it. The only hurt I experience is at the hands of others, I live in a place where people all beat to the same drum, I to the music in my soul. They don't hear my song and don't care for the sound of theirs. Amongst the throngs of people that live here there are a few whose souls have touched mine and mine theirs. We join in our love of life and that is the greatest music of all.

Monday, May 16, 2005

All is quiet at least for a while.

This weekend we just stopped. Stepped off the carousel and stopped. Josh and I, both sleep deprived and fighting major colds, finally beaten down, spent Saturday in bed - sleeping on and off, watching really bad TV and just too dang beat to care. The girls were great, they honestly played the whole day either together or by themselves without a murmur. We only got up occassionally to throw food at them but for the most part they took care of themselves. It is amazing how they can just tune in when they have to. They made up for it on Sunday when we dashed through a whole array of birthday parties, activities and what not. But for one day we recharged our batteries. No agenda no thought of where to be. All plans cancelled. The world still went on its merry way, nothing fell apart and we laid back - literally. When I step off the roundabout of my life it always amazes me with the amount of activities I manage to fill my days with and how I never truly take time to just be. I stop and start, start a yoga class but it interferes with Josh's activities or the kids or some other part of my life that is out of my control, so I stop it. I start a project for my moms group and then stop - never quite able to find enough hours in a day to tap into that side of me that needs the most amount of nurturing, the part that feeds my spirit, my soul. My time to just be. My new resolution, my parents take my kids most weekends for me, I managed to pack those days with all the stuff that did not get done during the week. My new resolution is to just stop on those days and feed my spirit revigorate my soul and just be. My mid year resolution, kind of like a mid-life crisis except without the hunky 21 year old guy, hm may have to rethink this :)

Friday, May 13, 2005

Follow your instincts......................

I have a very good friend who sent me down a path with Ryan that I would not have followed myself. I think there are people in your life whose opinions you value and who you have absolute faith in, she is one of these people. I have not been happy with conventional medicine and their need to constantly medicate my kid. Just increase the dosage and lose the spirit. I felt like I was loosing my butterfly, my sweet free spirit in a wave of hormones that made her so PMS I could not find the sweet child I knew so well within her. I missed that caring soul so much but felt she was taken away from me. She is back. I am so happy to have her in my arms again, she never left my heart, she never could no matter what happens or where she ends up. I am so greatful that she is back to being the someone I knew. We slowed the meds, will stop them completely. Poor kid has been through so much. We have had to regulate her diet, no milk, no sugar, no dairy, no vinegar. For a kid who lives on yogurt and picled cucumbers its like a life sentence but she takes it in her stride. It is so hard not being able to have cake at a birthday party or turn down a cookie at school. She does it with a single mindness that I wish I had and admire so very much. We set up a reward system for her for everytime she says no to one of those foods she gets a blue pebble, each pebble is a dollar, each dollar can be saved to buy accessories for her american Girl Doll Her doll, Marisol is going to be the best dressed doll ever, Ryan is going to make sure of it. She is back on the path I first saw in her - the path that lets her soar so far and so high, My Ry, my butterfly. Watch this kid, she will fly so high one day - I see so much in her and hope one day she sees it too.

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

Wiggly Teeth

I thought the most disgusting things on earth were dirty diapers and throw up. My kids have gone and surprised me once again, these wiggly teeth gross me out more then I thought possible. To top it off, Ryan has this nasty habit of taking a mildly wiggly tooth and putting it under so much pressure that it becomes an even wigglier tooth, sometimes even causing her gums to bleed. My friend Dawn had started me off with writting to Ryan as the tooth fairy (I used her letter that she had used for her son) and it has grown from there. I was worried about Ryan causing serious damage to her teeth. Here are some of the letters the Tooth Fairy left for her and some that Ryan left for Flossie:

Hello Ryan March 28, 2004

Thank you for leaving your tooth for me this time, I really appreciate it as it easier for me to make stars when I have the teeth. When your teeth fall out, always give them to your mommy so she can keep them safe.

Ryan I was looking at the tooth you left for me, it is a nice white color but there were some tiny little marks on it that only fairies can see. Ryan, this means you don’t always brush properly. You must make sure you brush each and every tooth so they can be real sparkly stars in the sky. Ryan you have such a beautiful smile and it makes people so happy when you smile. So keep brushing, and remember don’t eat too much candy so you can always have a beautiful pearly white smile.

The Tooth fairy

March 24, 2004

Dear Tooth Fairy:

I lost my tooth but could you give me a present even though I don’t have my tooth because I lost my tooth.

If you give me a present I will lose another tooth.

And if you do it I will stop crying.


Hello Ryan March 24, 2004

I came to your room while you were asleep.

Thank you for your note. I was sorry you had lost your tooth and could not leave it for me. Usually I take the tooth away with me, and I turn it into a star shining brightly in the sky. Because your mommy and daddy tell me you are such a good girl, who is a realy good listener and sharer I will make a bright shining star without it. I can only do this for special girls like you.

It is very important that you look after your big teeth now Ryan. The best way to do that is to brush your teeth in the morning after breakfast, again at night before you go to bed, and when you are bigger, Mommy will teach you how to floss. Cavities are painful and you really don’t want to have them. It is very important not to eat too much sugar. The things that have the most sugar in them are candy and soda, so be sure not to eat too much candy and chocolate and NEVER drink soda.

I have left you a Strawberry Shortcake Charm because that is what you wished for, and I have left you another $2.00 which come from the Oupa, Gugga, Grandma, Grandpa, Aunt and Uncle Tooth Fairies. You are a very lucky girl to have so many people who love you.

I will visit you again when your next tooth falls out.

Lots of Love


April 25, 2005

Dear Ryan:

I have just come to collect your tooth and I am really sad. I don’t think I can use your tooth to make a star in the sky. Let me explain to you how teeth are used to make stars.

You need to keep them in your mouth as long as possible so they can get really strong and stay pearly white. I can see from your teeth that you are leaving me that they are being pulled out too early. I may be able to shine this one up but would hate to have to throw it in the garbage. I need stars that can twinkle really bright in the sky.

Ryan I also have to mention that you are not cleaning your teeth as well as you should – you really have to brush them gently for a long time, and you must brush all of them or I won’t be able to use them either. You must make sure you brush each and every tooth so they can be real sparkly stars in the sky. Ryan you have such a beautiful smile and it makes people so happy when you smile. So keep brushing, and remember don’t eat too much candy so you can always have a beautiful pearly white smile.

I am still leaving you money as I am taking this tooth with me as I heard your mommy telling your daddy what a good girl you are and how proud she is of you. I like to reward special kids like you.

Please look after your teeth because I must just warn you if I come and there are dirty or rotten teeth I won’t come back again, I am just too busy and that would be a great pity because I really enjoy seeing special girls like you.

The Tooth Fairy
(This letter was after she ripped a tooth out of her head way before it or I was ready)
Her letter that she left with the tooth:
May 10, 2005
I did not pull out my tooth. I was huging my fried Amanda. Can you still come?

This Ryan is too much - a sweeter kid you could never hope to find. She has such a strong sense of right from wrong and always tries to do the right thing, sometimes I just look at her and feel my heart just crack down the middle with love for her - she is so special, so sweet - how lucky am I???

Monday, May 09, 2005


How do you determine at a young age how you are going to spend the rest of your life? How does one decide, ok I am going to study xyz to be this profession or this is the face that I want to wake up next to for the rest of my days. Why are such weighty decisions entrusted in the hands of the young? Looking at tired, harried professionals who never found their passion and plug away at the same thing for the rest of their lives is so sad for me. How were they to know that this was it. The choice they made on one day determined who they would be and where the course of their lives would take them.

I often look at couples and I love seeing the dynamics of what makes them tick. Who knew when our hormones dictated our mates that it would be the way a man is with his child or how he lets you sleep in after a rough night out when he is just as tired as you, because you need it so much more. How he can stop on the way home to pick up bread and milk on the way home from during a snow storm just incase you don't have enough for the next day. Or how he backs your car out of the driveway after a night of snow so you don't have to do it because it scares you. How does a young person determine the importance of those qualities not the hardened body and the way his pants fit or whatever criteria they used to select a mate.

I was at a Barmitzvah on Saturday Night, it was a lovely event, very tasteful and a great time was had by all. There were many couples there and we could see the shadow of who they used to be and who they are now. The former nerd who now calls the shots full of determination, severly lacking a hairline but able to hold his own, but a still a mouse of a man. His wife simply and elegantly dressed, she looks at him and smiles like he is the only man in the room. The jock who gained 40lbs and sells used cars, mortgages or works for daddy. He hits on woman like volleys on the tennis court. One after the other trying to prove to himself that he still has it while his bored perfectly coiffured wife looks bored as she exams her diamond encrusted hand, sparkling on her arm as she had once done on his. Now the trophy is varnished, the blonde hair no longer her own. The quiet woman who wispered to me that she had lost 30lbs, became a butterfly struck alive by the lighening of the music as it entered her soul and she rocked in time to the music. The moth became a butterfly and soared until the wee hours of the night.

I shrugged off the flirt as he dismissed my husband while holding my hand long after was customary. Fighting the desire too disolve my hand in a tub of disinfectant I smiled back, slightly blinded by his wife's earrings. Joys we are at the same table. A night of cat and mouse as he chases woman all along, forcing us to hug our husbands a tad bit closer, say a silent prayer of thanks, safe in the knowledge of what we have and long for is right besides us.

I love to dance. There is something that happens to my body when music enters it and I feel the beat through me. I am transported to another time, another place and become a different being. I feel transformed, like the light within me is turned on. The barmitzvah had a whole host of professional dancers who vibe in time and get the guests, up, pumping and rocking, it is awesome. One dancer and I had such a great vibe and he rocked me, dipped, flipped me and basically scrambled me. It was awesome. I love dancing with a man who know hows, J has many traits dancing not being one of them. The professional dancer and I danced in sync, J sat at the table getting quite plastered. At evenings end, we crawled back into the car, me having thrown my hip out and him hammered on redwine and an array of other goodies leaving him well under the influence. We crawled into bed, he flying to the bathroom to expel his body of the evils flowing within, me so beat up I could barely walk. Dang it but we are getting too old for all this fun :) My horribly hungover man, let me and my sore hip sleep in as best he could because it is mothers day, he takes Nikki to soccer and then whips up a feast of note, cleans everything up afterwards, I whisper this really softly as he is still recovering. I am so happy to have made the choice to be with him when I was old enough to appreciate the enourmity of the decision this committment would hold for us.

Nikki "Maradona" in action
Posted by Hello

My soccer star - all ready for action!!
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Sunday, May 08, 2005

Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day hope it is a good one for you all. Mother's Day is an interesting time for a me, a time to reflect on what is is to be a mom and how my life has been transformed by the two souls who have entered my heart and my life. I look at them with such adoration and wonder, it never ceases to amaze me what these kids have brought to my life and the responsibility I face as a parent.

I wish I were more of a carefree sort, someone who just went with the waves on the sea instead of having to carve me own way across the wake of the waves. I think things through right down to the last second. Planning out our lives. The lists I have devised, our shopping lists on the computer. kids schedules, kids food schedules, playdates, parties, so many lists so many happenings so many people lives to take responsibility for so many moments to account for so many. Oh to be the carefree sort to just let it be and let it all fall into place without me at the helm. I know people who live their lives in this helter skelter way and I envy them their freedom. They walk beside responsibility instead of balancing it on their shoulders like the proverbial cross one wears. Their kids seem well enough adjusted their lives go on. The world does not stop turning but yet it is not in me. I don't know how to adjust the mental timetable. I was never the carefree sort, guess it is not who I was meant to be. For now I look at the cards little fingers have created, Monets to me. Ryan's "mom" necklace and the bird papreweight she made in art class, Nikki's beaded necklace she made with extra pink and blue beads because pink is her favourite color and blue is mind. The gorgeous cards with hearts and doggies and all the things they hold so dear. The hugs, the shnuggles, the acknowledgement of their love for me. I am humbled by the magnitude, never knowing I could be loved this way, first by their dad and then by his offsprings. Queen for a day, every day with my princesses by my side. How sweet it is to loved by them.

No Mother's Day would be complete without acknowledging my mom and all that she has done and continues to do. Her tireless efforts, her ability to always put herself last and everyone else's needs first, I could never be that selfless, she does it with a flair. Thanks mom. I Love you and am thankful for everything.

Friday, May 06, 2005

Week whizzing by..............

Can't believe another week went past. It has been so crazy. Work has picked up and obviously the complications in my life pick up with it. Funny how that happens. When one aspect gets crazy every other aspect picks up speed as well. Work has been DEAD for the past few weeks, toward the end of this week I had some closings, but instead of lasting the customary two hours they are lasting 5-6 hours. As a parent that just causes havoc in my carefully planned scheme of things.

On top of it J's mom has started a round of radiation, I do believe the cancer is gone and the chemo and radiation are going to sap whatever strength she has left. The poor woman is not eating and is just so listless. It is particularly hard to see as she is ordinarily such a fighter and does not let anything get past her, and now she is just a shadow of her former self.

I literally have not stopped running and am loving have the days go past in a flash, can't believe that the school year is just about over - OVER!!! A month and a half to go and then its time for camp. I am amazed at the speed of life. I remember as a kid how the years seemed to stretch out, I have such a clear memeory when I was in Grade 1 (I guess the American version of Kindergarden), I came home at the end of my first term - we had 4 terms (between school holidays) and I said to my Housekeeper how when I got back from holiday I would be going into Grade 2. She argued with me, and I was so adamant - was so sure that there was no way on earth that there could be any more time in that Grade as it took so long to complete even the first term.

My mom always told me how fast time goes and I never really got it, boy do I get it now. It fels like I have blinked and another year is over, school year that is. Another major milestone and my life is a runaway train that won't let me stop at a staion to truly appreciate the moment for what it is. Do we ever get to truly appreciate the moment? I feel as I have gotten older I have managed to step outside situations when I am in them and just savour every moment. Enjoy the sounds of people in my house, listening to my kids laughter or hearing their imaginations at play. Those times seem to be few and far between because I seem to be rushing out the door on to the next thing.

Take a time capsule, savour the moment, capture the essense of time, to be pulled out and enjoyed at a later time. Another treasure, another memory added to the treasure chest in my mind. For now though, I have to run....................

Monday, May 02, 2005

New experiences

Today, my baby left me. Without a backward glance. Jumping with excitement. Straight into the Kindergarden Orientation Class. She is so ready for this big step. I am not. Nikki is such an energetic magnet, she has this ability to draw people to her and is so full of life it is hard not to be taken in. The only time the light dims is when she steps back and hides in the shadow of her big sister, her hero. Nikki literally leapt into the classroom, she looked like a pink leaping lizard, my little Tigger. She wore her pink Barbie pants, her pink Dora shirt and pink fuzzy jean jacket - dressed to take on the world, actually it looked like she had mugged a pimp, but that smile oh my world that was the biggest ticket item she wore.

After her one hour orientation, she bounded into the cafeteria, I don't think her feet touched the ground once and we drove to her school, where they had a singer performing, poor woman was no match for my little one, her entire class jumped up to hug her. She grinned from ear to ear as I was swept further away from her by the crowd of admirers. She did not even notice that I was no longer by her side.

She is no longer mine, she belongs to the world. How lucky I felt to have had that treasure in my arms for so long. Now is my time to set her free and I am so not ready to. She is ready. I am most certainly not. Travel safe my little one, your journey has just begun.

What a weekend.............

Ever have one of those weekends when your feet don't touch the ground?? We had a week like that. Last week the girls were on Spring Vacation, we did not stop moving all week long. Loads of playdates, tons of quality time. Ryan and I headed into the city on Friday for her follow up visit with her Doctor. He is a kinesiologist and needs her to change different aspects of her diet in 3 week incriments, tandemount to a life sentence at this age. Poor kid, No cheese, No soy, No dairy, No vinegar, No juices, No pretzels, No sugar and of course No alcohol, we will have to stop her morning vodka shots :) So happy he included that on the list. The poor kid has been a trooper. In addition to swalloing huge quantities of herbal supplements in the morning and at night she has been so restricted on what she can eat. We have devised a reward system for her, the first three weeks she got and America Girl Doll she now knows that she can earn different gifts or accessories for the doll. Poor kid has so many birthday parties coming up, that I did not wnat to torment her. Lets hope it sorts her out and she can stop having to be a science experiment.

Her and I had a great time, and I have to say even though she gets poked and prodded at the doctor she really enjoys the day we spend at the city together and has turned into quite the shopper - boy can that kid shop, where the hell does she get that from??? I have very little interest in clothes and shoes, (I always tell J he is the luckiest man alive as so many women I know are obsessed with those two expensive little hobbies).

Saturday morning we woke up early, ran a few errands and then went to hang out at our friend Julie's house, her and her little girl have the most gorgeous house in one of my favourite areas, Seacliff. Its an artsist colony built into the side of a mountain, surrounded by beaches, it is so unbelievably gorgeous, the houses all have a distinct flair Funnily enough she had her engagement party there and that was the first time I saw the place and fell in love with it, now that she is divorced she has moved there. What a place. We then took the kids out for lunch to the Village of Roslyn, which is another quaint old village in the area at a place called Pollo Loco, have to say they were not at there best and we ended up just packing them all up and leaving underthe grateful eyes of our fellow patrons.

We then rushed to meet a Korean family, their daughter goes to school with Ryan, at a Korean Retaurant in the asian section of the Island, Flushing. I have never seen a restaurant like this, Koi ponds, waterfalls, it was like being in asia, it was so stunning. Good food, good company - what could be better.

Sunday was yet another early day, off to meet Josh's step brother and his family for a day of off roading and a picnic. Some of the trails were a little hairy for me especially with the kids in the car but the kids LOVED it and had a great time with their cousins.

We came home and my cousin Darren dropped his son, Ethan off at us to help us plant a vegetable garden, can't say we did much planting, the kids were covered in mud, collecting bugs and had a great time. I threw all three into the shower, gave Darren back a sparkling clean kid when he came back a few hours later, and a good time was had by all.

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