Slipped into the past

I had a rather lengthly discussion with a friend the other night that forced me back to another time, another place when I was a very different person. We discussed a mutual person with whom I was involved with at the time and she is related to. It was a very bizzare discussion to have that kind of open discussion with someone who is so close to the other person and someone I would never have that type of discussion with. It left me feeling very unhappy, not because I had been open with her, no that is who I am. But rather after discussing it at length with another friend she made me understand how it just transports one back to that time. Its like when I go to the principals office for Ryan's school. I don't sit there thinking, Listen Lady wake up and do what I want, I pay your salary so G-d dang it shut up and listen. I sit there trying to pay attention so I don't say anything stupid and have them hold my child back 5 years or give her extra homework or put me into detention.

I hated being in the head space that this conversation sent me to and part of it is that this relationship had been so unhealthy, so hurtful, so soul destroying, I hated how it made me feel and worse I hated how I saw myself, that I could even let it happen to me. It would be fine to say that it was all this other persons fault, but I can't do that I was certainly no angel and it ws only once I met Josh that I learned how relationships could be. How it was ok to let the walls down and the person in as they were not going to use that information to hurt you. How it was ok to be anything less then perfect. How I did not have to be wearing make up to be pretty. OK we all know Josh needs serious help in that department he thinks I am gorgeous at 4am after crying all night, now not one to shy away from a compliment, I also stand firmly grounded in reality and know what I am looking like at that time of the day is anything but gorgeous.

I am so grateful to the man in my life and feel that he really is such a gem, how would I ever know that someone could look at me and see me, see deep inside me and just smile in the knowledge that they were happy to own a part of me.

I hated the conversation I had because it did take me back to the time when I was not good enough for this other persons standards, when I was too fat, my hair was not right, my nails to short, I am not sure why he was with me because it always seemed that there were to many things I was doing wrong. I hated who I was in the relationship. I was vindictive and manipulative. We both played a game of trying to have the upper hand, hurt before you are hurt.

It was only later that I found out a lot of it was all about him. It was only later when I met people who had wanted to ask me out, who thought I was wonderful who he would say to them but you can't her and I are together. I guess it felt like he did not want me but did not want anyone else to have me. The funniest part was how many of his friends, my friends and both our families told me on many occassions that they did not understand what I saw in him and could not understand why I was with him.

You see everyone else saw the pretty, bright girl with the big future, he was the only one who got that I never believed I was any of those things. Thank G-d I am not her anymore. Thank G-d I can look at myself and be ok with what I see, I always say just for one day, I would like to see myself through Josh's eyes. He really sees someone I do not know and I am so grateful that he does. But I am pretty ok with the me I found. It was hard won and took so much work but its all ok. Who knew I could go full circle and be ok with who I was destined to be. Not perfect. Just me.