Ultimate Luxury

I bought these pink faux fur covers for the girls beds with matching pillow cases. Its like lying encased in a fur coat and is the ultimate luxury. I call them princess blankets for my two princesses. The girls had their first night sleeping with them, the joy, the complete spa experience, oh my word they were sent to another plane. Woth every cent, both kids climbed into bed at 6:30pm and in the eternal wise sords of Nokki, Mom she says, this is so shnuggly, I don't think I ever want to get out of bed. Now Niks, my heart, my love, if you could sleep until 7am every morning it will be money well spent :)

Blizzard abounds......

Boy talk about snow - 24 inches of it!!! Visions of my kids playing outside and just seeing the tops of their hats as they weave through the huge mounds of soft white ice. A soft serve ice cream witha cherry on top. So much for the image of sledriding, snowball fights and building the meanest, biggest and baddest snowman known to humankind. Instead we sat indoors, the fireplace roaring, drinking warm drinks, lying on the sofa and watched the snow drift down from the sky. It is so magical. No cars drove past, the world is white and oh so fluffy. I love the snow, I have not become jaded, not even after 12 years of it. Josh has spoiled me rotten, after he and I put the kids to bed, we got into our two person jacuzzi tub, which has a skylight and big windows, we pulled back the drapes, and watched the snow fall down in the darkness, did not want to scare my neighbours by the sight of us, naked in the tub. It was magical, listening to music, feeling the steamy water envelop your body as you drift into a place of complete peace.

That tub has helped cement our marriage, those seemingly endless days when the kids were small, between them they had two well weeks in Nikki's first year of life. We were so sleep deprived, our one refuge, the one place we could just connect, was in the jacuzzi, candles lit, music playing and the stress just melted all away, we would crawl out, get into bed, have the luxury of having eachother and drift off to sleep the minute our heads touched the pillows. It seems like a million years ago and then it seems like yesterday.

We are at the stage where life is easy, both kids are self sufficient, to a degree. I love my work, we have live-in help Monday through Friday, we actually get to sleep through the night, and function. There is a part of me that looks at my baby, my little Nikki, she has grown so fast, today she told me to get inside a hurry and come and watch the Rincess (Princess) video with her. She is 4. No longer a baby. I miss having a baby. I miss the little bodies and the orgasmic look on their face as they suck on a pacifier or drink their milk. How they cuddle and feel so divine. I go through short-lived phases of desperately wanting another child. Three is a hard number, but being one of three, I value my sisters and love that I have have them to lean back on. Sisterhood has been a long, hard but satisfying road. I feel the more siblings the kids have the better chance they have of finding someone who "gets" them. On a selfish note, I feel done out of the baby stage, having kids 21 months apart, I never got to truly enjoy each one of them together. The first child is so intimidating, by the time the second comes along, you have worked out the kinks but are so wrapped up in the older ones life you can't take time to enjoy the journey with the second one. I feel like I want a baby just for me - Nikki will be in Kindergarten starting September. Ryan second grade. They are so grown up. So self sufficient - where have my babies gone? Boy how did I go from blizzards to babies, guess I am too unstable to have any more kids :)

14 Inches.................

Ok you dirty minded individuals - that is the snow prediction this weekend!! We have gotten off so lightly with the weather this year, it has been an amazing winter, not too cold except for an occassional spell. This past week has been frigid - but figures have been in the 20's and teens which is always better then reaching those negative numbers. I have such mixed feelings about the snow prediction, the kid in me yells in anticipation, not having grown up in snow I am still one of the kids, we get into snow fights, build snow men and my all time favourite sledriding, unfortunately the reality of the snow sinks in on Monday, school closed, housekeeper running late and me having to drive in it, carry my briefcase (incredibly heavy briefcase) without slipping on my butt. Dressed in a business suit with snow boots. Elegant I must say.

I'll throw a snowball for you.

Special moments, special friends

I was reading one of my favourite blogs the other day, http://www.jengray.com/ Jen is an amazing photographer with a warm spirit and a great outlook on life. She was writting about a friend of hers that have shared her journey and it got me thinking of all those special people who are still in my life, Hayley who I have known since she was two weeks old (she is two weeks older then me!!), who now lives in Australia, Michelle whom I met when we were at Habonim Camp, we were all of 15, and she now lives in England, Di my high school buddy, Andi who met me at 20 when I was dancing on a table at a 21st party and is my rock today. Dani who flits into NY and we get to catch up and connect again and again, Angie who taught me how to shop, there are just so many of you, scattered around the world and I am so glad to know you. There are so many wonderful people who have stood by me, who are not bound by blood but by a bond so much stronger and I am so grateful to know you all and have you in my life, the world would have less light, grow darker, days would dissapear into obscurity instead of all the treasured memories we have created. I think of the Vaal and all those great adventures, UCT and the fun of living in Cape Town, I feel so full. I love that I have all those memories to carry along my journey through life, to put a smile on my face or keep me warm on a cold day. How fortunate I feel to know you all and have this treasure chest in my soul. So to you all, raise your cup of coffee, tea or sparkling water and drink a toast to all the memories we have created and the bond we share. Thank you for all that you do and the part of me that will for ever be with you.

Mommy Moment

I get a rather worried call from Nikki's school today. They are just calling to let me know that my new housekeeper is not packing lunch for Nikki and perhaps I should remind her that Nikki's extended days are Tuesday, Thursday and Friday, as this is the second day that Nikki has not brought lunch.

The proverbial penny drops within seconds - hey I am mom, I woman, see me roar :) no, Miss Barbara I say (still having a tough time calling a married woman, old enough to be my mother Miss Barbara), the new housekeeper did not pack her lunch, I did, and I do not place the bags at the front door unless they have a lunch bag in them.

My darling 4 year old devil decided to upgrade her lunch, I feed my kids really healthy food, we keep NO JUNK at home and they get fruit, veggies, turkey, yogurt, etc for lunch. Nikki worked out that if she did not have lunch the teachers run around in a tizz and organize her lots of delightful tidbits, pizza bagels, chicken nuggets and yes a cookie.

So tonight Josh and I bravely took on this strong willed little creature we call Nikki. Where did you throw out your lunch today I ask, no reply. I ask again. Still no reply. Big brown eyes behind ringlets as she shrugs her shoulders. Nikki, I say, I know you threw out your lunch I just want to know where. I won't get angry if you tell me the truth but if you lie I will not take you to Cami's princess party. Straight, boldfaced lie, I don't remember she says. Josh turns on the muscle, perhaps I need to take you to the police station, because you know what the policemen do to liars he says. Big eyes look even bigger, the dark ringlets nod a yes. tears brimming. I don't remember, she says. Josh says, Nikki I hope you understand that if the school thinks mommy is not feeding you, they will take Mommy away and you will never see her again. Floodgate opens, eyes return to normal size beneath the tears. It turns out my dear little terror was hiding it on the bus. I sure hope they clean those buses every day or someone is going to be smelling some really bad yogurt on Monday Morning. Nikki, Nikki, Nikki.

My greatest fear..............

One of my greatest fears in life is something happening to me and me not being able to let my kids know how much I love them. It is such an irrational, primal emotion, yet it encompasses every mothers instinct. To claw, to scratch to love. To make the world a better place for these creatures we bought into the world. My friend Ellen summed it up best, when she had her first child she turned to her mom and said to her that she had no idea how much her mother loved her kids. Ellen knew she was loved but she never knew how deep those emotional rivers could run. Its a bond that I hope carries through my lifetime. I look at these two souls and feel like I know them so well, I see their future and while Ryan's looks like it will be a bumpier ride then Nikki's I know that I will always love them. I hope they will always feel loved.

I wonder if that love dims when they are going through the hormonal death throws of adolescence, where their immortality takes them to the edge of reason and beyond. When they come back with pierced nostrils and green hair will I look at them and yearn for the little soul whose hand dissapears in mine, who looks up at me with big eyes and wants to live with me through all the numbers or will I have the strength, the power to let them soar, set them free to discover their sensuality, hone their instincts and be the people I know them to be. I try and instill in them all that I want them to know, just incase I am not here tomorrow to show them, to remind them, to love them. How do I create a safe haven without me at the core, every parents worst nightmare, filling out their will and deciding who will guard these souls, who will make them strong yet love them with all their might. A double edged sword, how can I face the fact that there is someone who could do what it is I hope to do with my kids like my parents did with me. There have been little moments when I have brushed my immortality - 9-11, my car accident, flights fallen from the sky - who decrees whether its me or then. I never travel without writing a long letter filled with all I hope for them, my neurosis takes over, here I am this calm, together and oh so rational soul who loses all sense of sensibility when it comes to my kids. I can see through a storm of emotion and find the root, the core of the issue yet I cannot make myself defend them from a world without me in it and I hope to never have to.

A day in the life......................

Its an interesting concept - life. Here we are all doing what it is we do and there are times when I just stop, take a look at all that is going on around me, try and grasp some of the concepts that are out of my grasp - how is it that the world spins and I can drive my car with my world spinning at the same time. How is it I can have a night of passion and create a soul. How is it that I meet people I barely know and feel like I know them forever. Smells that transport me back to different places, times and events. My grandmother wafts past me in the scent of woman wearing Tea Rose, the safety net of childhood in a taste, a tune a thought. The orgasmic look of a child as they suck on their pacifiers. How some news stories make me wonder how horrible the subjects life is, how sad, scared, or freaked out they may be by the event that is ruling their life and I am having a great day or visa versa. How unaffected we are by eachothers lives. How subjective the world is and how great the gifts within it are. How some days I feel a fog around me while the sun shines bright or there is such a lightness in my soul that the storm outside is not reflected in my outlook.

I spent today with a really good friend of Nikki's mom, we did the COSTCO, hang out huck and do lunch - it was so much fun, those are the gems of my life, uncomplicated moments where I get to do something productive and have a good laugh while doing it. I do take time out of my day to acknowledge the good and thank G-d for all the beauty in my life. Amazing, until I learned to cherish the little things in life I never got to enjoy them as much as I do, and the joy in that is there are so many little things in every day to enjoy that it makes everyday limitless in its possibility for enjoyment. Sheeesh reading this I sound stoned out of my bracket - guess I must have had one for the road 20 years ago and its still working through my system. Hope you all find the beauty in the little things that surround you.

My Little Girl is all growed up......

I registered Nikki for Kindergarden on Monday, I was truly traumatized. I remember how with Ryan, she stepped on that bus in the morning abd grew up. There was a complete different child who came home in the afternoon, so mature and using the word "like" in a sequence of every second word. Come September my baby will be headed off in the same direction. I called Josh after I registered her to let him know how upset I was, he said to me: "Do you want to keep her at Robin Hood for another year", I said to him how great it would be explaining to my 26 year old child, how she is only graduating high school not because she could not pass a grade but because her mother kept her back in Pre-K. Lucky for us, Nikki is ready even if I am not.

Now with my usual class and elegance, I went to her new school, filled out all the forms, shmoozed with the teachers and moms. Did some errands. Came home. Looked in the mirror and noticed I had a brown smudge around my mouth, yes, it looked like I had dived into chocolate - I had a slice of bread with marmite for breakfast - the evidence of which was spread across my lips for all to see. I was so embarressed. Only I could do something so loskop (scatterbrained). I guess I made a first impression as a obsessive, compulsive, bulemic chocolate in the morning eater - or a woman who never bathes - not sure which is worse ...............

Happy New Year!!!!

What a year 2004 was. I have to say for Josh and I we had a good one and really treasure our thoughts, memories and friends we have made.

For New Years, we went on our first real family vacation to a place called Rocking Horse Ranch www.rhranch.com we had an ab fab time. Josh likened it to a cruise ship. The kids had an absolute riot and its the kind of place you could be as busy as you desired. It was a great 5 days. There was camp for the kids from 9am until 5pm every day with tons of other activities from horseriding, snow tubing, skiing to swimming in the indoor pool. Josh is the kind of man who does not stop moving all year round so he took the opportunity to read a book, watch tv and relax. The kids were in contsant motion and I took complete advantage of all there was to do, Horseriding, snowtubing (while it lasted - it was too warm and the snow tube run melted), and skiing for the first time in about 15-20 years. I loved the skiing and doing it without excess weight was such a treat, my knees and ankles did not feel any stress. I was surprised how much came back and how much I absolutely LOVED it!!! They had an instructor for the kids who at best was mediocre, Ry did not get the hang of it and little Nikki was shown once and then took to it like a little ducky to water. This bundled little person showed no fear as she went down the little hill time and again.

I also had the opportunity to devour a book, I would say read but I truly gorged on it and read through it in two days - I can't even remember the last time I read something for pure pleasure that was not a magazine. The food was plentiful and as with the cruise ships we put on the poundage. We also met some really nice people and are meeting up with two families who live nearby in a few weeks. It was quite a distance to travel to meet all people from Long Island, the majority of the people seemed to live within 15 minutes of us.

I must say it was a goood ending to a good year and hopefully the good beginng will carry through to this year.

Good wishes and love and kisses to you and yours this year, may 2005 be a good one for all of us.