A guilt trip of a different kind................

I lost it yesterday. I got so angry with Ryan that I pushed her. I can't believe I did that - here is this great kid and I lost my rag. She frustrates me so much at times, not an excuse for my behaviour by any means. Mornings are rough trying to get her to the next step, trying to get her dressed, make sure she does whatever she needs to do to get out the door.

I wish I was a morning person and that I woke up raring to go. I am not. I wake up sluggish and tired, Nikki coming into my room 4 times a night to tell me about night dreams or Josh's snoring or my playing Mah Jong until late, once again, no excuses.

I spend a lot of time trying to understand the world, how people interact with eachother, how much behaviour impacts the people around me. How I hope and pray I have done the right thing for my kids and help them to understand who they are and for them to know there is a safe place for them in my home. Not a place where people push each other. My imagination is my worst enemy. I have visions of her in an abusive relationship because mom pushed her. I know it is ridiculous but the beauty of this blog is I get to vent to take it all out of my head and see how stupid it really sounds.

I picked her up immediately after it happened, both of us shocked by what I had done. We hugged and talked for quite some time, I told her how I loved her, how special she is and how very wrong what I did was and how sorry I am. I am sorry Ry. Deeply truly. Think this should be posted under my guilt trip too................