Morbid moments............
I sometimes think that I think to much. I talk to G-d everyday, not because I am religious, no I am far from that. I don't pray for greatness or treasures but to thank "Him" for everything I have and how grateful I am to have the people in my life that I do. I don't have to pray for treasures because I am surrounded by them, my kids, my husband, my parents and sisters and all these wonderful souls I call friends. How truly lucky am I. It took me a long time to find the rainbows in everyday, I missed out on seeing them for the longest time. I am not some happy clappy drugged out shmuck with a grin pasted to my face and drool dripping from my mouth. I don't walk around grinning amd smelling the roses, but I do see sunsets and they capture me, I love chatting with my friends online or having an impromptu cup of coffee with my new connections who feel like a part of my history already. How lucky can one person be. I thank G-d everyday to be sure to re-inforce it to myself to be sure to savour each and every gem. Every moment, lest it be gone and lost forever.
Almost 5 years ago I had surgery, I was really scared and did not think I would make it out, my kids were really young, Nikki about 14 months and Ry about 3. I wrote letters to my parents, kids and Josh. I know its morbid but I needed them to have some of my words just like I need them to have this blog in which I capture bits of our lives in, memories to sustain them if I am unable to. For me my blog is a time capsule into our lives and a way for them to get into my head in a way I wish I could have got into my moms when she was my age.
How apt that I came across this letter on mother's Day. Here is the letter I wrote............
December 9, 2001
Dear Ryan and Nikki:
I am writing this letter to you both in the event that I am no longer around to let you know what it is that you two mean to me. I never knew it was possible to love anyone as I do you two.
This is such a hard letter to write, I love you and unfortunately, love is a word that just is thrown around without meaning but it is the only word I can use to express every overwhelmingly wonderful feeling I have whenever I look at you. Ry and Nik you are my heart, my soul and the very reason I believe I was put on this earth in the first place. How lucky I am to have known you and been loved by you. I never want you to doubt how much you mean to me. You are loved. You are accepted. You are wonderful, special human beings. I want you to wake up every morning and those are the first three sentences I want you to say to yourself, hopefully your dad will tell you that all the time, his memory isn’t always the best, G-d knows I have to remind him all the time about everything; even he doesn’t remember say it to yourself as many times as you need to: “I am loved. I am accepted. I am wonderful”.
Psychologists believe that children’s personalities develop at birth. If that is the case then I am so lucky to have such wonderful, caring, strong girls in my home. You are both so bright, alert and loving. I see so much good in you both and I love you so very much. Please believe that even if I am not here in person, there is no way on earth that I am going to miss watching you both grow up. Whatever you do, wherever you go, I will be there.
I have so many hopes and dreams for you both. I hope you will find your way in the world with little pain and disappointment. I hope that you will see those letdowns as a learning experience and grow with each one. I hope you keep your yearning and joy for life. That you never lose your ability to give of your heart and your soul but hold onto your body until someone who deserves to share it with you comes along. Test people but don’t push them so far that they never come back. Try to be honest but not rude. Be open but not offensive. Remember the backbone of your life is family, sisters are drawn and repelled by one another, many will come and try to stand in your way. Accept each other for who the other is. Don’t try to change just compromise, communicate and have fun together. Those three things are the essence of any relationship (marriage, friendship or any other) and will hold you in good stead as you grow and grow up.
Don’t let the loses in your life stop you from being the best you can be. Always love and respect yourself. I am your mother, I love you, and I helped create two wonderful individuals who make me so proud to be a part of. You are an extension of me but you are your own people, be true to yourself, if you lie to yourself, you’ll eventually lose a part of yourself.
Don’t go haphazardly into life because that rarely works, set realistic goals, work for them and they will be yours for the taking. Grab onto your ambitions and work, work, work and save, save, save. Then you can get what you need and desire, owing no one but yourself. Don’t limit yourself by using the limits others set for themselves and you, everyone is different. I firmly believe that there is no doubt that you can achieve what you want if you want it. With that said, I also believe in fate and the truth, so if something is not to be, and sometimes it is, then you need to know that there is something better around the corner and you need to wait it out. There is so much I want to tell you, but sometimes the best lessons in life are the ones you learn yourself.
I have no doubt that you will always make me proud, and I could never begin to love you more then I do.
I cannot even begin to express how much I love you both and how I hope G-d will allow me to spend the rest of my life, hopefully a very long time as an integral and supportive part of your lives.
I love you, now and always.
Love,
Mom
Almost 5 years ago I had surgery, I was really scared and did not think I would make it out, my kids were really young, Nikki about 14 months and Ry about 3. I wrote letters to my parents, kids and Josh. I know its morbid but I needed them to have some of my words just like I need them to have this blog in which I capture bits of our lives in, memories to sustain them if I am unable to. For me my blog is a time capsule into our lives and a way for them to get into my head in a way I wish I could have got into my moms when she was my age.
How apt that I came across this letter on mother's Day. Here is the letter I wrote............
December 9, 2001
Dear Ryan and Nikki:
I am writing this letter to you both in the event that I am no longer around to let you know what it is that you two mean to me. I never knew it was possible to love anyone as I do you two.
This is such a hard letter to write, I love you and unfortunately, love is a word that just is thrown around without meaning but it is the only word I can use to express every overwhelmingly wonderful feeling I have whenever I look at you. Ry and Nik you are my heart, my soul and the very reason I believe I was put on this earth in the first place. How lucky I am to have known you and been loved by you. I never want you to doubt how much you mean to me. You are loved. You are accepted. You are wonderful, special human beings. I want you to wake up every morning and those are the first three sentences I want you to say to yourself, hopefully your dad will tell you that all the time, his memory isn’t always the best, G-d knows I have to remind him all the time about everything; even he doesn’t remember say it to yourself as many times as you need to: “I am loved. I am accepted. I am wonderful”.
Psychologists believe that children’s personalities develop at birth. If that is the case then I am so lucky to have such wonderful, caring, strong girls in my home. You are both so bright, alert and loving. I see so much good in you both and I love you so very much. Please believe that even if I am not here in person, there is no way on earth that I am going to miss watching you both grow up. Whatever you do, wherever you go, I will be there.
I have so many hopes and dreams for you both. I hope you will find your way in the world with little pain and disappointment. I hope that you will see those letdowns as a learning experience and grow with each one. I hope you keep your yearning and joy for life. That you never lose your ability to give of your heart and your soul but hold onto your body until someone who deserves to share it with you comes along. Test people but don’t push them so far that they never come back. Try to be honest but not rude. Be open but not offensive. Remember the backbone of your life is family, sisters are drawn and repelled by one another, many will come and try to stand in your way. Accept each other for who the other is. Don’t try to change just compromise, communicate and have fun together. Those three things are the essence of any relationship (marriage, friendship or any other) and will hold you in good stead as you grow and grow up.
Don’t let the loses in your life stop you from being the best you can be. Always love and respect yourself. I am your mother, I love you, and I helped create two wonderful individuals who make me so proud to be a part of. You are an extension of me but you are your own people, be true to yourself, if you lie to yourself, you’ll eventually lose a part of yourself.
Don’t go haphazardly into life because that rarely works, set realistic goals, work for them and they will be yours for the taking. Grab onto your ambitions and work, work, work and save, save, save. Then you can get what you need and desire, owing no one but yourself. Don’t limit yourself by using the limits others set for themselves and you, everyone is different. I firmly believe that there is no doubt that you can achieve what you want if you want it. With that said, I also believe in fate and the truth, so if something is not to be, and sometimes it is, then you need to know that there is something better around the corner and you need to wait it out. There is so much I want to tell you, but sometimes the best lessons in life are the ones you learn yourself.
I have no doubt that you will always make me proud, and I could never begin to love you more then I do.
I cannot even begin to express how much I love you both and how I hope G-d will allow me to spend the rest of my life, hopefully a very long time as an integral and supportive part of your lives.
I love you, now and always.
Love,
Mom
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