The year is almost over........
Where does the time go? I am always reminded of my 21st birthday. I was so excited, told everyone, everywhere that I was 21. It was very disheartening as most of the OLD folk, yeah my parents were all of 50, lol, would tell me how they remember their 21st party (or at least parts of it) and how I must enjoy it because all of a sudden you turn around and you are 50. I was so friggin' depressed by the end of it all. My dad would always say how he feels like he is 20 and he looks in the mirror and this old guy looks back at him and he is not really sure where he came from.
I feel young. I am younger now then I was at 21. I don't have those complexes and needs that I had then. I value the lessons in my life and am grateful for the security that has surrounded me in my later life. I spent so much of my life building up walls and developing an idea of who I thought I needed to be only to come to terms with who I am and what I am about. I love that I don't feel the need to seek the approval of those who live around me, I already have the approval of those who count. I am so grateful to my parents and Josh for all they have put up with and done for me. I have a real and special relationship with my sisters. I never knew what inner peace was. I thought I needed to pursue it through yoga or exercise, I get it through work, achievement, my kids and the security Josh provides. I never knew what it was to truly need people and after not having a fallback position for so long it is great to now have one. I live in a neighbourhood where many people believe what you wear or which club you belong to defines who you are.
Josh and I were chatting last night and for all the privaleges of my past I am so grateful to be in a place where none of those things matter to me. When I came to live in America and was so wracked by lonliness and heartache I did not cry for my car or my apartment, but for my family, my friends and the secutity of being noticed, cared for, loved and needed. I don't have that single minded ambition,that need to succeed financially no matter what. I like what I do and do well at it, and I feel financially rewarded for what I do. I also know that if I ever needed to I could use my career to support my family by working harder and longer hours. I am grateful that I don't need to do that and I am in a position where I choose to work so we can have the small luxuries in life we both desire.
I am so immature now and am always playing pranks on people at work or with my kids. We play hide and seek or they will get into whooppee cushion mode and we can be silly and laugh - I love that. Josh for all his seriousness has an unbelievable sense of humour and while I am sometimes on a different mental plane and the full imapct of what he says does not sink in - and when it does I have a good laugh about it. I have never had anyone who adores me like he does and I must say at first I found it suffocating but now I love that he feels that way about me, also I think part of the problem was believing that I was worthy of that kind of love, now that I know that I am, I would never accept anything less.
The end of the year is like my birthday and PMS - it makes me delve into my world and examine it, I love the challenge of going deeper and deeper into who I am and finding out what I am about. I love exploring those around me and watching people and discovering who they are and what makes them tick. As a Scorpio I have always had an uncanny sense of who people are and what they are about, I can read volumes into a few words or a look, I used to use that to exploit their weaknesses so I could feel strong and better about myself, now I use it to understand who they are and what they are about and if I can help them make it right. I have done and said many horrible things in my life, I have made it right with many people in my life and let go those who have hurt me. It is wonderful being able to look around and acknowledge how far I have come, know that I have a long way to go and send a Thank you to all of you who include me in your cocoon of love so I may have the strength to be who I really am not who I thought I should be.
Happy New Year to one and all - may your year be filled with love, luck, laughter and a few quiet moments to take stock of who you are and how lucky you are. Drink a toast at midnight to us and we will drink one to you all, Miles seperate us, memories bind us, we are together even when we are apart.
I feel young. I am younger now then I was at 21. I don't have those complexes and needs that I had then. I value the lessons in my life and am grateful for the security that has surrounded me in my later life. I spent so much of my life building up walls and developing an idea of who I thought I needed to be only to come to terms with who I am and what I am about. I love that I don't feel the need to seek the approval of those who live around me, I already have the approval of those who count. I am so grateful to my parents and Josh for all they have put up with and done for me. I have a real and special relationship with my sisters. I never knew what inner peace was. I thought I needed to pursue it through yoga or exercise, I get it through work, achievement, my kids and the security Josh provides. I never knew what it was to truly need people and after not having a fallback position for so long it is great to now have one. I live in a neighbourhood where many people believe what you wear or which club you belong to defines who you are.
Josh and I were chatting last night and for all the privaleges of my past I am so grateful to be in a place where none of those things matter to me. When I came to live in America and was so wracked by lonliness and heartache I did not cry for my car or my apartment, but for my family, my friends and the secutity of being noticed, cared for, loved and needed. I don't have that single minded ambition,that need to succeed financially no matter what. I like what I do and do well at it, and I feel financially rewarded for what I do. I also know that if I ever needed to I could use my career to support my family by working harder and longer hours. I am grateful that I don't need to do that and I am in a position where I choose to work so we can have the small luxuries in life we both desire.
I am so immature now and am always playing pranks on people at work or with my kids. We play hide and seek or they will get into whooppee cushion mode and we can be silly and laugh - I love that. Josh for all his seriousness has an unbelievable sense of humour and while I am sometimes on a different mental plane and the full imapct of what he says does not sink in - and when it does I have a good laugh about it. I have never had anyone who adores me like he does and I must say at first I found it suffocating but now I love that he feels that way about me, also I think part of the problem was believing that I was worthy of that kind of love, now that I know that I am, I would never accept anything less.
The end of the year is like my birthday and PMS - it makes me delve into my world and examine it, I love the challenge of going deeper and deeper into who I am and finding out what I am about. I love exploring those around me and watching people and discovering who they are and what makes them tick. As a Scorpio I have always had an uncanny sense of who people are and what they are about, I can read volumes into a few words or a look, I used to use that to exploit their weaknesses so I could feel strong and better about myself, now I use it to understand who they are and what they are about and if I can help them make it right. I have done and said many horrible things in my life, I have made it right with many people in my life and let go those who have hurt me. It is wonderful being able to look around and acknowledge how far I have come, know that I have a long way to go and send a Thank you to all of you who include me in your cocoon of love so I may have the strength to be who I really am not who I thought I should be.
Happy New Year to one and all - may your year be filled with love, luck, laughter and a few quiet moments to take stock of who you are and how lucky you are. Drink a toast at midnight to us and we will drink one to you all, Miles seperate us, memories bind us, we are together even when we are apart.
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