Lines in the sand
How many times do we sit by our window watching the world go by. I think of all the views I have seen, the swimming pool from our house in Northcliff, the flashing neon light of Dora's in Sea Point, Cape Town, the beach in Muizenburg, the big tree from my studio apartment in Manhattan, Josh's breathtaking views of the city, the squirrels outside my condo in Port Washington, NY. So many places, many faces and experiences, my how fast it all goes.
Sometimes it seems like your life is in an hourglass, sand granules fall to the ground, one by one, a memory, a thought an experience. A shift in the stand, we start all over again until our time runs out. Do you ever wonder how to add color to the sand, to savour the moment, enjoy the day?
I often have flashbacks to when I was a child, life was simpler on many levels, words to the wise, how we become our parents. I often hear my mom's voice coming out of Heidi's mouth and she says the same about me. I have these visions of my mother, she worked so hard and so many hours to do what she did, her successful business, her home, her family. Many balls floating in the air at one time. I remember seeing her behind a pile of work at her desk at the office and knowing she was unavailable to me. I see the circle repeating, Ry has had to go for many medical tests, I have had to bring work with me into the waiting room as waits can run many hours in the doctors office or when she gets treatment. I have such vivid memories of my mom doing the same with me when I had my doctors appointments, we would have to go to the Johannesburg Gen once a month for an entire Wednesday afternoon, I had to see a Gastroenterologist. My mom would bring these index cards of work that she would plow through while I watched her. I see the look in Ry's eyes as she watches me and I know I am missing the same opportunities as my mom missed with me, no cellphones, no where else to be. Just us and the endless wait ahead until we are called. I understand why my mom did what she did, it would be hard not to as I do it to. There are just too few hours in a day to do all that needs to get done. It seems so strange how history repeats itself. I think our reasons are different. She lived in a time where selfish abandon was not the order of the day I live in an era where self discovery is the key. Open the door to your soul and all will be revealed. I am fortunate in that I choose to work, I tried the stay at home route and it did nothing but make me feel dependent and useless, finances were more restrictive and I did not like who I was. I like having a persona outside of my family and have discovered that I am somewhat of a flirt. I find it safe in that I would never betray Josh but I enjoy the banter and interaction that goes along with it. I like the financial freedom to make impulsive buys without having to balance the national budget. I am certainly not frivilous and the majority of what I earn gets plowed back into the home and my family, it makes me feel safe because I know if ever there was a time that Josh and I were never together I have the means to support myself and my kids, it may not be in the manner they are accustomed to but we can survive and that empowers me. So many of my friends are divorced or unhappily married and wonder what now, where do I go and how will I survive, I don't ever want to be in that position. I have not forgotten the raw scars of being in the states by myself and literally counting pennies to survive, walking 70 blocks instead of taking the subway as I just did not have the $1.25 (at the time) to get home from work. How grateful am I to that time that shook me down from the tree and left me naked and shivering at the bottom unable to survive without my Momma bird. How strong and humble and human it made me. How I never want to go back to that time, to being so emotionally naked, so alone, so afraid, and yet how I value who it helped me become. I am no longer alone, my nest is now a cocoon and it feel safe wrapped in the soft silk walls of the family Josh and I have created. I no longer skirt around the trappdoor waiting for it to open and snap me up. I can't say that the road is going to be complete easy sailing and we have some big financial hills to pass over in the next few years. Luckily we will be in it together.
I think the gift I can give my girls is that I enjoy what I do and feel somewhat empowered by it. My mom always felt like her work was a burden and she was forced to do it for the family to survive. I think that was true to a point but once she reached a certain level of success she did not know what else to do, so did what she did so well, juggled her life and those around her. Worked so hard. My folks were truly believers in the 1% inspiration 99% persperation theory and worked longer and harder then most. Part of their gift to me and one I hope to pass onto my girls is the gritting of your teeth, not taking no for an answer and making it happen. Find another way until you get what you want, and once you have it, keep working harder at it, becasue not only will you get better at it, only then can you truly succees.
Not sure which PMS planet I am landing on today but thought I would take you all for the ride ..................................
Sometimes it seems like your life is in an hourglass, sand granules fall to the ground, one by one, a memory, a thought an experience. A shift in the stand, we start all over again until our time runs out. Do you ever wonder how to add color to the sand, to savour the moment, enjoy the day?
I often have flashbacks to when I was a child, life was simpler on many levels, words to the wise, how we become our parents. I often hear my mom's voice coming out of Heidi's mouth and she says the same about me. I have these visions of my mother, she worked so hard and so many hours to do what she did, her successful business, her home, her family. Many balls floating in the air at one time. I remember seeing her behind a pile of work at her desk at the office and knowing she was unavailable to me. I see the circle repeating, Ry has had to go for many medical tests, I have had to bring work with me into the waiting room as waits can run many hours in the doctors office or when she gets treatment. I have such vivid memories of my mom doing the same with me when I had my doctors appointments, we would have to go to the Johannesburg Gen once a month for an entire Wednesday afternoon, I had to see a Gastroenterologist. My mom would bring these index cards of work that she would plow through while I watched her. I see the look in Ry's eyes as she watches me and I know I am missing the same opportunities as my mom missed with me, no cellphones, no where else to be. Just us and the endless wait ahead until we are called. I understand why my mom did what she did, it would be hard not to as I do it to. There are just too few hours in a day to do all that needs to get done. It seems so strange how history repeats itself. I think our reasons are different. She lived in a time where selfish abandon was not the order of the day I live in an era where self discovery is the key. Open the door to your soul and all will be revealed. I am fortunate in that I choose to work, I tried the stay at home route and it did nothing but make me feel dependent and useless, finances were more restrictive and I did not like who I was. I like having a persona outside of my family and have discovered that I am somewhat of a flirt. I find it safe in that I would never betray Josh but I enjoy the banter and interaction that goes along with it. I like the financial freedom to make impulsive buys without having to balance the national budget. I am certainly not frivilous and the majority of what I earn gets plowed back into the home and my family, it makes me feel safe because I know if ever there was a time that Josh and I were never together I have the means to support myself and my kids, it may not be in the manner they are accustomed to but we can survive and that empowers me. So many of my friends are divorced or unhappily married and wonder what now, where do I go and how will I survive, I don't ever want to be in that position. I have not forgotten the raw scars of being in the states by myself and literally counting pennies to survive, walking 70 blocks instead of taking the subway as I just did not have the $1.25 (at the time) to get home from work. How grateful am I to that time that shook me down from the tree and left me naked and shivering at the bottom unable to survive without my Momma bird. How strong and humble and human it made me. How I never want to go back to that time, to being so emotionally naked, so alone, so afraid, and yet how I value who it helped me become. I am no longer alone, my nest is now a cocoon and it feel safe wrapped in the soft silk walls of the family Josh and I have created. I no longer skirt around the trappdoor waiting for it to open and snap me up. I can't say that the road is going to be complete easy sailing and we have some big financial hills to pass over in the next few years. Luckily we will be in it together.
I think the gift I can give my girls is that I enjoy what I do and feel somewhat empowered by it. My mom always felt like her work was a burden and she was forced to do it for the family to survive. I think that was true to a point but once she reached a certain level of success she did not know what else to do, so did what she did so well, juggled her life and those around her. Worked so hard. My folks were truly believers in the 1% inspiration 99% persperation theory and worked longer and harder then most. Part of their gift to me and one I hope to pass onto my girls is the gritting of your teeth, not taking no for an answer and making it happen. Find another way until you get what you want, and once you have it, keep working harder at it, becasue not only will you get better at it, only then can you truly succees.
Not sure which PMS planet I am landing on today but thought I would take you all for the ride ..................................
posted by 
<< Home