Sensuality or Sensual-reality????

Its funny I have never been comfortable with my sensuality until I got married. I think the wedding band made me unafraid to interact with men so that it was not thought to be a come on. I was always told how sexy and sensual I was but honestly in South Africa I just felt like I could not relate to the men that I met. Apparently I was very intimidating which I find pretty laughable because I really do try to be just me and always have. Young single men used to be too scared to ask me out but married men would hit on me one after the other. Its sad to say but I considered married men dead to me. I could never find myself attracted to them, I have never cared if others had affairs but it really was not for me. I found it especially hard being attractive in NY where you are not insulated by a car, here are all these people in your face on the subway and I think part of the reason (besides depression) that I gained so much weight when I got here was to insulate myself from the daily barrage of men who were hitting on me. Its not like I am G-d's gift to all who live or breathe and I must be quite honest before I met Josh I had never had anyone in my life who found me quite as beautiful and sexy as he does, having had a whole string of verbally abusive or emtionally unavailable relationships before him. It was easy to make me feel unattractive because it was how I felt, when Ciny Crawford says she never felt beautiful growing up, I know what she means. I am no Cindy Crawford but growing up I was constantly teased for being ugly and always made to feel that I was lucky that I had a great personality because I certainly was not going to get by on my looks. When I wasn't being beaten up for being Jewish, I was being teased for being ugly. South Africa certainly was not the place it is today, although I am sure there are certain sectors of the population who would still rub my head to check for horns if they could.

I work in a male dominated environment. Many lawyers with massive egos. For the most part they are very respectful and we have a good laugh. Yesterday I had a rather funny encounter with one lawyer who was quite smitten with me. He ran around getting my copies made, could not do enough for me. All through the closing he was telling me how wonderful I am, how beautiful I am, and how he could listen to my voice for hours. I told him that my accent loses its appeal when I nag and he should count himself lucky that he just gets it in short doses so that it is still intriguing to him. He wanted to know if I was a married person. I started wearing a wedding ring after one too many attorney hit on me), Josh was saying that is apparently code for do I have affairs. He is a married man. Who knows. I am just too naive sometimes for my own good. At the end of the closing he and I were alone in the board room, I was finishing up some work when he says to me. I hope to see you sometime soon. I said that he must get me into his title company that he uses and he can see me anytime he wishes at his closings. He said something along the lines of what an icredible person I was and how he was going to have a tough time getting my voice out of his head, in fact he was going to be fantasizing about me all night and I did not want to know what my voice was going to ask him to do to me. On that note he saunters out with a wink and a smile. I laugh and he closes the door. A few minutes later he opens the door again, shame faced, he had left his briefcase behind, I had to hold in my hysterical laughter when he left for a second time. That is just as uncool as I would be. I would most probably have tripped on the way out or something as exciting. Skaam China. Skaam.