Panic Attack.....

I am happy here. Yes for the most part I am. But every now and then the panic sets in, moments when I least expect it to, like in the middle of the night in the place between waking up and being asleep. It hits hard, its the reminder of home, a sound, a scent. Logically I know the place I yearn for no longer exists, its gone along with the mass emigration of those I love. But that viseral yearning that lights up deep within me appears when logic is not in its prime fighting mode, but rather subdued and sedated, before my morning caffeine kicks in. Before I am who I have become while I am still the girl, unencumbered by decisions made on the spur of the moment as a 23 year old kid, not quite knowing the enourmity and irreversibility of that decision. Before I can shake of the sadness for a time lost forever a time I long for that does not exist anymore and never will. This morning was one of those mornings - the yearning hung in the air like a fog for the remainder of the day, the grown woman yearning for her childhood home, curled up in a fetal position, living in a world that many years later is still so raw and I miss it.