As good as it gets
I am not sure when I will ever truly feel like I belong in my adoptive country. The are still moments when I panic, I feel this yearning to go back home. Home to another place in time. I don't live in the past but I sure do like to revisit it from time to time. I know the world I long for does not exist anymore but it still feels familiar in the still of the night when I am in that place between being awake and asleep. There are times when I will look at Josh and panic and feel, Oh no we did this forever for better for worse, and I want out. There are other times when I am safetly tucked in his arms and I feel safe from the world.
I used to speak to friends in Australia and double guess myself, why did I stay in NY and tough it out. I guess there was a plan that was bigger then me. I am fortunate that after a really traumatic emmigration experience I have finally found my place. I have created my own little Long Island Niche and it feels comfortable. I am fortunate to have my parents nearby and while my in-laws function differently to me, I am fortunate in that I happen to like most of Josh's family. My kids have an extensive network of cousins from Josh's two nieces, my nephews and both our first cousins kids. They are fortunate to experience the real SA Jewish holidays where 40 people eat danish herring and consume so much food that they can explode.
It is a great place to be and finally, yes finally, I feel content. I guess had I not gone through all the upheaval I would not have recognized that this is where I would be happy. We get sold this story book existence and the happy ending at the end is so different for all of us. Mine would never be living in a castle with my prince charming. Way too boring.
I love the diversity of NY and have even come to enjoy the different seasons. I am loving watching the leaves change and the nip in the air is refreshing. I still can't believe that those two little bodies who come and hug and kiss me in the morning are my special girls. I feel two warm little bodies, one on each side, with cold feet and we just lie there and shnuggle. Everyone knows better then to talk to mom in the morning :) It is such a warm wonderful, safe place for us all to be. I love that they live in a place where they can be anything they want to. Opportunities knock at ever door.
In the movie, As Good As It Gets with Helen Hunt and Jack Nicholsen, there is a line where Helen Hunt turns to Jack and says (and I paraphase) "What if this is as good as it gets. What if it never gets better?" There were so many times I would stop and say - oh no, this can't be as good as it gets, I want more, I want this or that different. I feel fortunate because I can actually look around and say, if this is as good as it gets, that is just fine with me.
I used to speak to friends in Australia and double guess myself, why did I stay in NY and tough it out. I guess there was a plan that was bigger then me. I am fortunate that after a really traumatic emmigration experience I have finally found my place. I have created my own little Long Island Niche and it feels comfortable. I am fortunate to have my parents nearby and while my in-laws function differently to me, I am fortunate in that I happen to like most of Josh's family. My kids have an extensive network of cousins from Josh's two nieces, my nephews and both our first cousins kids. They are fortunate to experience the real SA Jewish holidays where 40 people eat danish herring and consume so much food that they can explode.
It is a great place to be and finally, yes finally, I feel content. I guess had I not gone through all the upheaval I would not have recognized that this is where I would be happy. We get sold this story book existence and the happy ending at the end is so different for all of us. Mine would never be living in a castle with my prince charming. Way too boring.
I love the diversity of NY and have even come to enjoy the different seasons. I am loving watching the leaves change and the nip in the air is refreshing. I still can't believe that those two little bodies who come and hug and kiss me in the morning are my special girls. I feel two warm little bodies, one on each side, with cold feet and we just lie there and shnuggle. Everyone knows better then to talk to mom in the morning :) It is such a warm wonderful, safe place for us all to be. I love that they live in a place where they can be anything they want to. Opportunities knock at ever door.
In the movie, As Good As It Gets with Helen Hunt and Jack Nicholsen, there is a line where Helen Hunt turns to Jack and says (and I paraphase) "What if this is as good as it gets. What if it never gets better?" There were so many times I would stop and say - oh no, this can't be as good as it gets, I want more, I want this or that different. I feel fortunate because I can actually look around and say, if this is as good as it gets, that is just fine with me.
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